DO NOT OPEN AN ARTISANAL BAKERY

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<center><img src="https://donotopenanartisanalbakery.co.uk/images/goods.jpg" alt="goods"></center>\ You wake up one day with the greatest idea in the world. You will start up an artisanal bakery! You convince yourself that you are onto a [[WINNER->Start2]]

You tell your partner, who seems slightly less enthusiastic about the whole thing, but they never support your dreams so you ignore them. Right, first things first: you need to agree on what you'll be [[SELLING->choice1]]

List of choices Will you sell pastires? N - go to bread Y - will you selldoughnuts? Y price point £1 for 4 or £4 for 1 Selection of pastries creamcakes Will you sell bread? N - go to coffee Y will you sell white bloomer? Y - cost Will you sell soughdough Y - cost Will you sell french baguettes? Y - cost Will you sell coffee? N - go to Y - will you sell alt milk Y will you sell local specialised roast Market research Is there a Greggs within walking distance from your location? isthere a Pret Costa Market Share

<<if $bakery eq true>>[[GIVE UP]]<</if>>

<ul id="primary_menu" style="color:#ffc04c"><li id="menu_cash">Cash: <<if typeof $cash === "number">>£<<= (typeof $cash === "number") ? $cash.toFixed(2) : ($cash ?? 0) >><<else>><<=$cash>><</if>></li><<if $bakery eq false>><li id="overhead">Annual Costs: £<<= (typeof $overhead === "number") ? $overhead.toFixed(2) : ($overhead ?? 0) >></li><</if>><li id="customers">Potential Customers: <<= (typeof $customers === "number") ? $customers.toFixed(0) : ($customers ?? 0) >>%</li></ul><ul id="secondary_menu"><li id="menu_credits">[[Credits]]</li><li id="menu_music">Music: <<button "On">> <<if $musicOn>> <<set $musicOn = false>> <<audio "fluid" stop>> <<run $("#menu_music button").text("Off")>> <<else>> <<set $musicOn = true>> <<audio "fluid" play loop>> <<run $("#menu_music button").text("On")>> <</if>> <</button>></li></ul>

// NONTEST SETTINGS <<set $cash to 10>><<set $customers to 0>><<set $overhead to 0>> <<set $location to 1>><<set $gamble to false>><<set $crime to false>><<set $beg to false>><<set $rob to false>><<set $blackmail to false>><<set $sourdough to false>><<set $caught to false>><<set $product to 0>> <<set $greggs to false>><<set $pret to false>><<set $wanky to false>><<set $baynes to false>><<set $lie to false>><<set $shopname to "THE MISTAKERY">><<set $bakery to false>> <<set $burned to false>><<set $milked to false>> <<set $smug to false>> <<set $musicOn to true>> // NONTEST ACTIONS <<set $sellbread to false>><<set $sellcakes to false>><<set $sellcoffee to false>><<set $sellpastries to false>> <<set $sellbloomer to false>><<set $sellsourdough to false>><<set $sellbaguette to false>> <<set $selleclairs to false>><<set $sellchouxbuns to false>><<set $cakeselection to false>><<set $eliteeclairs to false>> <<set $filter to true>><<set $fancy to false>><<set $sellaltmilk to false>> <<set $sellcroissants to false>><<set $sellbuns to false>><<set $selldoughnuts to false>><<set $elitedoughnuts to false>> // NON TEST MUSIC <<cacheaudio "fluid" "https://yourmonsters.co.uk/music/fluid.mp3">> <<audio "fluid" play loop>>

<<if $caught>> And so ends your dreams of an ARTISANAL BAKERY as the brains that dreamt them up come leaking out of your splintered skull. In all honesty, we believe that this is the best ending for everyone on the planet. ''THE END'' <<elseif $cash is 0>> <<if $lie>> You crawl through the streets. Crying out to anyone who will listen, promising free sweet treats to anyone who'll give you some cash. No one believes you. You are a liar and everyone knows it. You are an embarrassment to anyone and everyone who's ever met you. Your life ends in squalor. Congratulations. You have failed. ''THE END'' <<else>> You wallow in your own misery, derelict and alone. Cast out of your home and onto the streets you live off dumpster food thrown out by the Greggs that opens in the corpse of your old shop. As you bite into a cold steak bake you bitterly realise that it tastes delicious and better than anything you could have ever made. ''THE END'' <</if>> <<else>> ''THE END'' /* optional fallback if neither condition is true */ <</if>> ''[[SEE HOW YOU DID]]''

Will you sell BREAD? [[YES->bread1]] [[NO->choice2]]

A bakery that doesn't sell bread. An interesting choice... Will you sell CAKES? [[YES->cakes1]] [[NO->choice3]]

<<set $sellbread to true>><<set $product to $product +1>><<set $customers to $customers + 20>>Will you sell lovely CRUSTY WHITE BLOOMERS? <<link "YES" "bread2">><<set $sellbloomer to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "bread2">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

Will you sell COFFEE? [[YES->coffee1]] [[NO->coffee4]]

<<set $sellcakes to true>><<set $customers to $customers + 20>><<set $product to $product +1>>Will you sell delicious CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS? <<link "YES" "eclairs">><<set $selleclairs to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "cakes2">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

<<set $sellpastries to true>><<set $customers to $customers +20>><<set $product to $product +1>>And will you BUY the pastries in from another supplier or will you MAKE them yourselves? <<link "BUY" "pastries2">><<set $buy to true>><</link>> <<link "MAKE" "pastries2">><<set $make to true>><</link>>

<<set $sellcoffee to true>><<set $product to $product +1>>Will you sell FILTER COFFEE? <<link "YES" "coffee2">><<set $sellfilter to true>><</link>> [[NO->coffee2]]

Your choices have been made! We wish you all the success in the world. Now then, there's the small matter of how you're going to [[PAY FOR THIS...->cash1]]

Your current annual costs are: ''£$overhead'' Your current cash is ''£$cash'' What do you want to do? <<if not $emptybank>>[[EMPTY BANK ACCOUNT->bank]]<</if>> <<if not $sellcar>>[[SELL CAR->car]]<</if>> <<if not $remortgage>>[[REMORTGAGE YOUR HOME->remortgage]]<</if>> <<if not $loan>>[[GET A LOAN FROM THE BANK->loan]]<</if>> <<if $emptybank & $sellcar & $remortgage & $loan>>Okay, so you've done all you [[CAN->cash2]]<</if>> <<if $cash >= $overhead>>[[THAT'S ENOUGH OF THIS->cash2]] <</if>>

Will you sell oh-so-fashionable SOURDOUGH? <<link "YES" "sourdough">><<set $sellsourdough to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "bread3">><<set $customers to $customers -10>><</link>>

Will you sell long crunchy BAGUETTES? <<link "YES" "bread4">><<set $sellbaguette to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "bread4">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

<<if $sellbloomer eq false and $sellsourdough eq false and $sellbaguette eq false>><<set $sellbread to false>><<set $customers to $customers -25>><<set $product to $product -1>>You decide not to sell any bread after all. A bakery that doesn't sell bread. An interesting choice...<</if>> <<if $sellbread eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead + 40000>> You're happy with the selection of bread you've agreed and begin looking for a master baker who can bring your vision to life. As expected this is one of your most important and expensive set up costs. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> Next, you need to decide if you will sell CAKES? [[YES->cakes1]] [[NO->choice3]]

Will you sell yummy CHOUX BUNS? <<link "YES" "cakes3">><<set $sellchouxbuns to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "cakes3">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

Will you sell a random daily selection of OTHER TYPES OF CAKES? <<link "YES" "cakes4">><<set $cakeselection to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "cakes4">><<set $customers to $customers -10>><</link>>

<<if $selleclairs eq false and $sellchouxbuns eq false and $cakeselection eq false>><<set $sellcakes to false>><<set $customers to $customers -25>><<set $product to $product -1>>After considering it, you choose not to sell cakes at your bakery either.<</if>> <<if $sellcakes eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead +30000>>You are pretty thrilled with all the delicious cakes you've chosen to sell even if it means your set up costs go up by a bit. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> Now then, what do you think about selling COFFEE in your shop? [[YES->coffee1]] [[NO->choice4]]

Yeah, bakeries that sell coffee aren't very popular. You certainly don't see any of those around. You're convinced you're on the right path with your idea. Finally, would you like to sell PASTRIES? [[YES->pastries1]] [[NO->location]]

<<if $sellfilter eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead + 5000>><<set $customers to $customers +1>>You'll need a decent filter coffee machine. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> Will you sell a VARIETY OF FANCY COFFEES? (Lattes, Mochas, Cappuccinos, etc) <<link "YES" "coffee3">><<set $fancy to true>><</link>> [[NO->coffee3]]

<<if $fancy eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead + 20000>><<set $customers to $customers + 9>>You add hiring a skilled Barista to your list. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead. <</if>> Will you offer ALTERNATIVE MILK? (like oat, soya, etc) <<link "YES" "coffee4">><<set $sellaltmilk to true>><</link>> [[NO->coffee4]]

<<if $sellfilter eq false and $fancy eq false and $sellaltmilk eq false>><<set $sellcoffee to false>><<set $customers to $customers -9>><<set $product to $product -1>>Coffee is such a faff and so time consuming. You decide not to bother selling coffee.<</if>> <<if $sellcoffee eq true>><<set $customers to $customers + 5>>Yeah, this is all starting to come together now. Coffee is the perfect way to get more foot traffic into your shop. <</if>> Finally what do you think about selling PASTRIES in your bakery? [[YES->pastries1]] [[NO->location]]

You think it's best for everyone if you just gave up on the idea. [[GIVE UP->END]]

<<if $sellcroissants eq false and $sellroll eq false and $selldoughnuts eq false>><<set $sellpastries to false>><<set $customers to $customers -20>><<set $product to $product -1>>Damn right! Pastries are actually so annoying to make. Who has the time? You're absolutely convinced you're on the right track.<</if>> <<if $sellpastries eq true and $make eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead + 40000>><<set $customers to $customers +5>>To make all of those yummy pastries you'll need to hire someone pretty good as well as all the materials they'll need. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> <<if $sellpastries eq true and $buy eq true>><<set $overhead to $overhead + 20000>><<set $customers to $customers -15>>You find a cool local distributor who can fulfil your pastry needs and agree a deal with them. You recognise that this means your bakery is a little less unique as customers can now get the same pastries from other shops but it keeps your costs down. Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead. You know that pastries can be fiddly and frustrating to make but the joy you see in people's faces when they devour them makes it all worth it.<</if>> That's your BAKERY contents [[AGREED->location]]

Will you sell a VARIETY OF CROISSANTS? <<link "YES" "pastries3">><<set $sellcroissants to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "pastries3">><<set $customers to $customers -10>><</link>>

Will you sell a VARIETY OF DOUGHNUTS? <<link "YES" "doughnuts">><<set $selldoughnuts to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "pastries5">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

And these DOUGHNUTS you intend to sell, what sort are we talking about here? SUGAR RING DOUGHNUTS at a cost of FOUR for £1 FANCY HUGE ONES at a cost of ONE for £4 <<link "SUGAR RING" "pastries5">><<set $selldoughnuts to true>><</link>> <<link "FANCY ONES" "pastries5">><<set $elitedoughnuts to true>><<set $customers to $customers -25>><</link>>

<<set $sellcar to true>><<set $cash to $cash +5000>>You put an ad on Gumtree and Facebook Marketplace and within a few hours have sold your only means of transport. You manage to get £5,000 for your [[CAR.->cash1]]

<<set $remortgage to true>><<set $cash to $cash +15000>>Without telling your partner you go to your building society and remortgage your home to raise more funds for your bakery. They are only too happy to give you £15,000 but add a further ten years to your existing mortgage and raise your interest rate to double what it was before. You don't mind. Your bakery is going to be such a success you reckon you'll be able to pay your mortgage off [[EARLY.->cash1]]

<<if $cash > $overhead>>You have enough money to proceed! You think you're all [[SET->check]]<</if>><<if $cash eq $overhead>>You have enough money to proceed! You think you're all [[SET->check]]<</if>> <<if $cash < $overhead>>You don't have enough money! [[LOOK FOR OTHER OPTIONS->OPTIONS]]<</if>> <<if $crime eq true and $cash < $overhead or $cash eq $overhead >>[[PROCEED WITHOUT ENOUGH MONEY->BANKRUPT]]<</if>>

<<set $emptybank to true>><<set $cash to $cash +2500>>You empty out your joint bank account. All £2,500 of your [[CASH.->cash1]]

<<set $loan to true>><<set $cash to $cash +80000>>The jolly man in the Business section of the bank rubs his hands together in glee as you explain your Bakery vision to him. "Wonderful idea. So bold! Not enough independent bakeries around are there these days? How about we start you up with £80,000 with a 45% interest rate. For collatarol, let's say we put up the life of your partner and your family as well as their souls for all eternity?" You can't believe your luck. That works out perfectly for you! You know there is not even the possibility of failure. You sign your loved ones up for potential eternal [[DAMNATION.->cash1]]

Next you need to scout around for a location for your BAKERY. After a few hours you have whittled your choices down to the following: ''FIXER UPPER'' - £20,000 a year <center><img src="https://donotopenanartisanalbakery.co.uk/images/fixer.jpg" alt="fixer"></center>\ This place has a certain charm to it. Sure it's a little run down and the landlord mentioned something about a couple of terrible accidents that befell the last owner (who went missing) but you think it'll be great. It even comes with a fitted oven perfect for baking bread. ''UP & COMING AREA'' - £50,000 a year <center><img src="https://donotopenanartisanalbakery.co.uk/images/upcoming.jpg" alt="upcoming"></center>\ This vacant lot is slap bang in the middle of a local area that's just starting to be gentrified. Young people who like nothing more than purchasing smashed avocado on sourdough toast every day so they can never afford to get on the housing ladder thrive or survive here. ''CITY CENTRE'' - £100,000 a year <center><img src="https://donotopenanartisanalbakery.co.uk/images/city.jpg" alt="city"></center>\ The most expensive option but the landlord tells you that this location is easily the best to get the biggest volume of customers through your door. Why would he lie to you? What'll it be? <<link "FIXER UPPER" "location2">><<set $overhead to $overhead +20000>><<set $location to 1>><</link>> <<link "UP & COMING" "location2">><<set $overhead to $overhead +50000>><<set $location to 2>><</link>> <<link "CITY CENTRE" "location2">><<set $location to 3>><<set $overhead to $overhead +100000>><</link>>

<<if $location eq 1>><<set $customers to $customers -10>><<if $sourdough eq "suck">><<set $customers to $customers -10>><</if>><<if $eliteeclairs eq true>><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</if>>Once you've signed the three year lease you start doing the place up. Within hours you discover the bones of the previous owner in the oven, incinerated alive by an organised crime gang who will surely turn up and threaten you too at some point. You sweep up the corpse and pop it into the bin outside. Oh well, no point worrying about that now! Nobody needs to find out about this. This is exactly the sort of location you DO NOT want to be sellng expensive ECLAIRS or DOUGHNUTS in! Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead. <</if>><<if $location eq 2>><<set $customers to $customers +10>><<if $sourdough eq "suck">><<set $customers to $customers +10>><</if>><<if $eliteeclairs eq true>><<set $customers to $customers +10>><</if>>The shop is wonderful and everything you had hoped for. Customers of all ages fill the streets. There's still a bit of character left from the previous tenants. You won't have any issues with your location. This is exactly the sort of place you could sell expensive ECLAIRS or ridiculously priced DOUGHNUTS or massively overbaked SOURDOUGH! Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> <<if $location eq 3>><<set $customers to $customers +5>><<if $sellcoffee eq true>><<set $customers to $customers +5>><</if>>While the location is incredible what the landlord never mentioned was just how much competition there is around. There are hundreds of potential customers walking by every minute - you're just gonna have a task on your hands to get them interested in what you have to sell. <<if $cakeselection eq true>>You do have a large selection of CAKES though which is probably a good thing.<<set $customers to $customers +10>><</if>> Your ANNUAL COSTS increase to £$overhead.<</if>> Now then, [[WHAT'S NEXT?->money]]

<<if visited() == 0>> Even after all of that you still don't have enough money to complete your vision. It's so disheartening. "Stupid capitalism!" you shriek in the middle of the street. Then you get an idea. Maybe you could do some of the following: <<else>> ''Now what will you do?'' <</if>> <<if not $gamble>>[[GAMBLE->gamble]] all your money on the horses<</if>> <<if not $beg>><<if $caught eq false>>[[BEG->beg]] for money from your Mum and Dad<</if>><</if>> <<if not $blackmail or not $rob>>[[DO SOME CRIME->crime]]<</if>> [[NAH, I'LL JUST LEAVE IT->cash2]]

<<if $gamble is 2>>Incredible! Your horse wins and you double your cash! It's like it's meant to be!<<set $cash *= 2>><</if>><<if $gamble eq 1 or $gamble eq 3>>Your horse doesn't even finish. Instead it falls at the first fence and is immediately put down by the trackside horse doctors. A single tear runs down your face. Not for the horse - but for your dreams.<<set $cash to 0>><</if>> [[LET'S SEE WHERE YOU ARE->OPTIONS]]

<<set $gamble to random(1,3)>>Are you absolutely sure you want to GAMBLE all your money on a horse? If you win you'll double your money. If you lose you'll end up with nothing. [[YES! GAMBLE->gamble2]] [[I'VE CHANGED MY MIND->OPTIONS]]

Will you sell CINNAMON BUNS? <<link "YES" "pastries4">><<set $sellbuns to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "pastries4">><<set $customers to $customers -5>><</link>>

<<set $rob to true>>Oh wow, you're prepared to rob someone to get the money for your bakery? You don't feel this is escalating a little too quickly? At least you're committed I guess. Who or what are you going to rob? [[AN ANNOYING OLD LADY WHO LIVES NEXT DOOR->GRANNY]] [[THE BANK->ROBBANK]] [[ACTUALLY THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA->crime]]

<<set $blackmail to random(1,5)>>You decide to blackmail your old boss at work. You'd heard rumours that he'd kissed his PA at last year's xmas party. You figure he'll pay up to stop that coming out. You write up a letter demanding £50,000 made from cutting each letter out from magazines. You admire your handywork and think it looks very professional. Once you've mailed the letter you just sit back and [[WAIT->blackmail2]]

<<set $caught to true>><<set $rob to true>><<set $blackmail to true>>You try and explain your rationale to the police but they don't seem to understand. This truly puzzles you as you always thought the police loved doughnuts and coffee but they seem to get angrier when you say that. You use your one phone call to reach out to Mum and Dad but before you've even got a chance to explain they have disowned you and hung up. You try to use some of your money to bail you out but as you live in the UK this isn't something you can do. Before the day is out you're in a prison cell awaiting trial. When you get to court finally the judge and jury spend less than 15 minutes deciding your guilt. The expensive lawyer you hired apologises and tells you that you came across as unlikeable on the stand. He still bills you for £250,000. <<if typeof $cash === "number">><<set $cash -= 250000>><<else>><<set $cash = "BANKRUPT">><</if>> You wave to your partner as you're sentenced to 20 years in [[PRISON]].

<<set $beg to true>><<set $cash to $cash +25000>>Asking your parents for money is one of the hardest calls in your life. You've not had to do it since, well, a few months back when you wanted them to pay for your new iPhone, or last year when they paid for your holiday. Having rich parents is awesome and you justify this request as another way of you showing how self-sufficient you are to them. You just need a bit more money before you can properly stand on your own two feet. Dad wires you the money before your phone call is even finished. That's a lovely £25,000 he's given you. You think he could definitely have given you more but keep that to yourself. Instead you put a reminder in your phone to only give him a £5 WH Smith book token for his birthday rather than a £10 one. [[NOW WHAT->OPTIONS]]

<<set $crime to true>><<if not $blackmail>>[[BLACKMAIL SOMEONE->blackmail]]<</if>> <<if not $rob>>[[ROB SOMETHING->rob]]\<</if>> <<if $blackmail and $rob>>You reckon you've done all the crimes you can think of.<</if>> [[THAT'S ENOUGH. I'LL JUST LEAVE IT->cash2]]

<<set $caught to random(1,10)>><<set $cash to $cash -5>>You knock gently on Mrs Miggins' door wearing a pink balaclava and a purple and yellow shell suit that you bought for £5 from a charity shop. She opens the door slowly where upon you kick it as hard as you can. She yells as both of her hips explode and is thrown to the floor. You laugh and charge into the flat, slamming the door shut behind you and begin [[TURNING THE PLACE OVER->case]]

<<set $caught to random(1,20)>>You decide to rob a bank. You have absolutely no idea what you are doing so just wander in with a banana in your jacket and a Kermit the Frog mask on. The bank teller looks curiously at you as you approach the counter. [["HEY MISS PIGGY"->bankoutcome]] you scream in her face. "GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY!"

<<if $caught is 1>>"Here's all the money, Kermit!" the bank teller gushes. "I've been waiting for you all my life!" "Really?" you reply, completely stunned as she begins handing over wads of thousands of pounds worth of notes. <<set $cash to $cash +500000>> "Of course! Now make a break for it before they realise what's happening!" You stuff as much as you can into your duffel bag - there must be around ''half a million'' here! - and make a dash for it. Outside you dive down an alleyway, throw your mask away and change back into your regular clothes before catching the bus [[HOME->crime]].<</if>> <<if $caught >1>>Just from the way her eyes roll you know you've failed. "You don't even look like Kermit!" she sighs, while also reaching under the table to trigger the silent alarm. "I said give me all the money!" you scream again but this time you sound weedier and she's shaking her head now. You aren't getting anything from her, or this bank. You begin to turn away when the wail of sirens hits you from outside. There is no escape. The cops are onto you in seconds, yanking off your Kermit mask and hauling you out of the bank and bundling you into a police car. The sound of the general public laughing at your ineptitude stings your ears. [[IT'S ALL GONE A BIT WRONG->caught]]<</if>>

<<if $caught < 3>><<set $cash to $cash +50>>The first thing you notice is a hidden compartment in her bedroom drawer. You yank it free and find a box of jewellery that you assume is worth a few thousand. Satisfied, you stuff it into your pockets and make your escape. When you get to Cash Converters they advise that most of the jewellery is coloured glass but they agree to give you £50 for it. Even though you succeeded you still feel like you [[FAILED->OPTIONS]]<</if>><<if $caught > 3>>While Mrs Miggins lies howling in the hallway you scamper around, opening drawers and looking for the money. You find nothing. In fact the only thing that catches your eye is an antique wooden cuckoo clock. It's only twenty minutes to wait before it strikes the hour and the cuckoo pops out. You really should check it works before you steal it. You decide to wait and watch. Unfortunately, this gives the police ample time to arrive after the panic button Mrs Miggins wears around her neck alerts them. It's so unlucky because they haul you out of the flat and into the back of a cop car before you even get to hear the cuckoo clock go off! [[IT'S ALL GONE A BIT WRONG->caught]]<</if>><<if $caught eq 3>><<set $cash to $cash +9>>While Mrs Miggins lays howling in the hallway you scamper around, opening drawers and looking for the money. Within five minutes it's very apparent you're not gonna find anything of value. Defeated you pick up her coin tray that's on the sideboard - it has about £9 of loose change in - and trundle your way back [[HOME->OPTIONS]]<</if>>

<<set $caught to true>><<if $blackmail < 4>><<set $cash to $cash +50000>>A few days pass before your burner phone rings. "Yes," the man on the other end of the phone says. "If you look behind the shed at the local kid's playground you'll find a suitcase. The combination is 6423." Sure enough you find it and take a cautious glance inside. £50,000 in cold hard cash lines the case! You almost cheer but realise you'd draw attention and cheering in a playground when you're an adult by yourself is usually frowned upon. You skip through the streets delighted your plan has worked all the way [[HOME->crime]]<</if>><<if $blackmail eq 4>>WHOOPS! You think after posting it. You realise that out of sheer habit you accidently wrote your return address onto the envelope. Sure enough, two days later some cops turn up at your door. "Ello, ello, ello," one says. "We think you'd best come with us. You're nicked mate." [[IT'S ALL GONE A BIT WRONG->caught]]<</if>><<if $blackmail eq 5>>WHOOPS! You think after posting it. You realise that out of sheer habit you accidentally wrote your return address onto the envelope and even signed your name in the letter. Two days later your door splinters off its hinges as your ex-boss Matty barges his way into your home. "Trying to blackmail me, eh? You cowardly turd!" You try to explain that it's all been a misunderstanding but Matty does not seem to be in the listening mood. Your weak knees give way as your old boss towers above you. You see the gleam of his steel toecap boots just before he proceeds to [[KICK YOUR HEAD IN->END]]<</if>>

This SOURDOUGH you're baking. How long you thinking of baking it? A NORMAL AMOUNT OF TIME so that it is actually edible. FOUR HUNDRED HOURS so it goes far too hard and hurts the roof of your mouth? <<link "NORMAL" "sourdough2">><</link>><<set $sourdough to "good">> <<link "FOUR HUNDRED HOURS" "sourdough2">><<set $sourdough to "suck">><</link>>

<<if $sourdough eq "good">>Ignoring how those other dreadful artisanal bakeries make their sourdough, you decide to bake it for a reasonable amount of time. The end result is a scrumptious loaf that's the envy of all other bakers. Your sourdough will not lose you any potential customers! [[I AM THE BREAD GOD->bread3]]<</if>><<if $sourdough eq "suck">><<set $customers to $customers -15>>Following the lead by the hundreds of other dreadful artisanal bakeries you decide to make your sourdough bread inedible. While a massive badge of achievement for yourself it could be a gigantic turn off for all of your potential customers. [[EVERYONE IS A CRITIC->bread3]]<</if>>

<<set $jail to true>>Within the first month you receive notification of divorce from your partner. You feel betrayed. Time moves quickly in prison. You're fortunate to get a job in the canteen after boasting to anyone who will listen that you are the greatest baker in the world - despite never having actually baked before. Your first batch of bread kills two prisoners and a guard. Watching them regurgitate their guts from the bacteria infested sourdough starter you developed in your cell's toilet is quite disheartening. That night the prisoners and guards join forces to [[KICK YOUR HEAD IN->END]]

Without enough money you can't even open a BAKERY. Instead you have a meltdown scrabbling around for cash and arguing with everyone you try to hire. It's an absolute nightmare for everyone but it's all your fault. Not that you can see it. You blame everyone else as you sink into a deep despair as your money runs out and you're left with nothing to show for it. You have failed utterly. <<set $cash to 0>>[[OH WELL->END]]

The day has finally come! You open a BAKERY that <<if $product eq 0>><<set $cash to 0>>DOES NOT sell: o Bread o Cakes o Coffee o Pastries Therefore your bakery opens with completely empty shelves and you have nothing to sell. You go bankrupt before the day is out. You are an idiot. ''THE END'' ''[[SEE HOW YOU DID]]''<</if>><<if $product isnot 0>><<if $product eq 1>>ONLY sells:<</if>><<if $product >1>>sells:<</if>> <<if $sellbread eq true>>o Bread<</if>> <<if $sellcakes eq true>>o Cakes<</if>> <<if $sellcoffee eq true>>o Coffee<</if>> <<if $sellpastries eq true>>o Pastries<</if>> [[LET'S SEE HOW YOUR BUSINESS GETS ON->day one]]<</if>>

''DAY ONE'' <<set $bakery to true>><<if $customers lte 0>>You're so proud of yourself for making this all happen. Sure, you ignored all advice from everyone around you but you know you were right. You're still thinking that when on your opening day not a single customer comes through your door. What's even more incredible is that you witness customers looking at your shop and then proceeding to visit one of the competitors nearby. Your failure is so complete you've somehow managed to increase the sales of your competitors!<<set $cash to 0>> So ends the short life of ''$shopname''. You declare BANKRUPCY by the end of the [[DAY->END]]<</if>>\ <<if $customers > 0 && $customers <= 50>>It's a very slow opening day for ''$shopname''. After four hours you've only had three customers. That's when the fear starts to creep. The doubt worms itself into your brain. A moment of clarity you might say. You need to try something radical to get customers through your door. What do you do? [[GIVE AWAY FREE SAMPLES->discount]] [[POST ON SOCIAL MEDIA THAT EVERYTHING IS HALF PRICE->socialmedia]]<</if>>\ <<if $customers >= 50 && $customers <=110>> Your first day is a wonderful success. You do really good business and a load of customers show up to try your wares. You sell out of everything by 2pm and close up early. Wow! Running a BAKERY is super easy you think as you go to bed that [[NIGHT->day two]].<</if>>\

<<set $cash to $cash -$overhead>>You're ready to go! You've hired the staff! You're bought all the equipment! You've made your twelve month's payment on your lease! You've spent most of your money! The night before you open you have a trivial worry that pops into your head and for peace of mind you decide to check it out before going to [[SLEEP->greggs]]

The first troubling question you ask yourself is: Is there a ''GREGGS BAKERY'' near your shop? <<link "YES" "pret">><<set $greggs to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "pret">><</link>>

Another troubling question you have is: Is there a ''PRET A MANGER'' near your shop? <<link "YES" "baynes">><<set $pret to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "baynes">><</link>>

And then the final question you wake up sweating over is: Is there some other ''WANKY INDEPENDENT BAKERY'' near your shop? <<link "YES" "checkdone">><<set $wanky to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "checkdone">><</link>>

The next worrisome question you ask yourself is: Is there a ''BAYNES BAKERY'' near your shop? <<link "YES" "wanky">><<set $baynes to true>><</link>> <<link "NO" "wanky">><</link>>

<<if $greggs eq false and $baynes eq false and $pret eq false and $wanky eq false>><<set $lie to true>>Hmm. So you're trying to tell me that there is no competition anywhere near your shop?<<if $location eq 3>> And you've set up in a ''CITY CENTRE?!'' You are quite clearly lying. Pretending there aren't any competition for your customers is only harming yourself - and your business! \<</if>> <</if>> <<if $greggs eq true or $baynes eq true or $pret eq true or $wanky eq true>><<set $customers /=2>>That dread that you felt is justified. What were you thinking opening up a small independent BAKERY anywhere near the big players?! <</if>> I guess you'll just have to see how it [[GOES->NAME]]

<<if $musicOn>> <<set $musicOn to false>> <<audio "fluid" stop>> <<else>> <<set $musicOn to true>> <<audio "fluid" play loop>> <</if>> <<run Engine.play(CurrentPassage)>>

And finally, what do you want your BAKERY to be called? <<textbox "$shopname" "">> <<link "CONTINUE">> <<if $shopname is "">> <<replace "#input-error">>Please enter a shop name!<</replace>> <<else>> /* Set the name to uppercase */ <<set $shopname = $shopname.toUpperCase()>> <<goto "OPEN">> <</if>> <</link>> @@#input-error;@@

''DAY TWO'' <<if $cash lte 0>><<set $cash to 0>>Oh dear. You've ran out of money and can no longer continue. So ends the short life of ''$shopname''. You declare BANKRUPCY by the start of the following [[DAY->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $cash >0>>You wake up the next day with a spring in your step and skip all the way to your shop. <<if $lie eq true>><<set $customers to 0>><<set $cash to 0>>On your way to ''$shopname'' you look at the shops that surrounds your own. I knew you were lying when you said there were no GREGGS, BAYNES, PRETS or INDEPENDENTS near you. You pass absolutely loads on your stroll. In fact, there is a GREGGS next door to you! The sight of a completely full BAKERY dashes your confidence before you've even opened up your store this morning. As you stand in front of the door you feel your knees softening and your hands begin to tremble. You can't do this. You can't keep lying to yourself. The keys slip from your weakening fingers and clatter to the ground. The disappointment overwhelms you and you sink to your knees, [[DEFEATED->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $lie eq false>>You can't wait to spend another glorious second day at the BAKERY. On your way in you notice several homeless people sitting around in your street. You get an idea! [[FEED THE HOMELESS WITH LEFTOVER FOOD->charity]] [[DON'T HELP AND LET THEM STARVE->selfish]] <</if>><</if>>

<<set $cash to 0>>This was a disaster. One of the worst ideas you've ever had. Within the hour the shop is immediately mobbed with hundreds of people who all start taking everything off the shelves and running out. Having not hired enough staff and having absolutely no backbone yourself you can only watch as all your stock vanishes. Someone even manages to get away with the COFFEE MACHINE! You have to spend all your money to buy everything back again! You sink to the ground with your head in your [[HANDS->day two]]

<<set $cash /=2>><<set $customers to $customers +5>>I mean, the idea isn't the worst one you've had. It at least keeps you in business for the rest of the day even if it halves how much cash you have. On a positive note, there is some decent word of mouth from some of your customers who say they'll be back tomorrow (if you're still [[OPEN->day two]]).

''DAY THREE'' <<if $cash lte 0>><<set $cash to 0>>Oh dear. You've ran out of money and can no longer continue. So ends the short life of ''$shopname''. You declare BANKRUPCY by the start of the following [[DAY->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 1 and $cash > 0>>After the morning rush the following day three burly men turn up. "BIG TONY sent us." They advise. "Who?" you ask, playing dumb. These guys are clearly the ones who murdered the previous owner. "Don't be stupid." One growls. "We'll be needing £10,000 to ensure nothing untoward happens to this place." <<if $cash gte 10000>>[[PAY THEM->paid]]<</if>> [[BRIBE THEM->bribe]] [[DON'T PAY THEM->nopay]]\<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 2 and $cash > 0>>One of your customers has an annoying dog that they insist on bringing into your shop. It barks nonstop and whines. You don't mind most dogs but you have no patience for this one at all. What do you decide to do? [[JUST LET IT GO->yesdog]] [[BAN ALL DOGS FROM THE STORE->nodog]] [[FEED IT SOMETHING FROM THE BAKERY->poisondog]] \<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 3 and $cash > 0>>You get a surprise when you arrive at ''$shopname'' the next morning and find a letter from the government advising they are fining you for playing unlicensed music in your shop. You need a Music Licence which is £500 per year and there is also a fine to pay of £2,000. [[BUY A LICENCE & PAY FINE->yesmusic]] [[PAY FINE & DON'T BUY LICENCE->nomusic]] [[DON'T PAY FINE & DON'T BUY LICENCE->idiot]] \<</if>>\

day five - YOU If you have less than 5 customers you have a mental breakdwon if you have more than 5 customers then you have a revelation that the only way to win is to sell your business to someone else. You do this. And win.

<<set $cash *=1.1>><<set $customers *=1.2>>You feel your soul ignite as you see the happy faces of those down on their luck when you begin handing out your wares. Unbeknown to you, you are photographed doing this and an article appears online that evening celebrating your generosity. There is a picture of you and $shopname which increases your potential customers and cash. It really could not have gone any better. [[YOU GO TO BED GRINNING->day three]]

<<set $cash /=2>><<set $customers /=2>>Yeah, life is too short to give your unsold wares to the needy. They should just have rich parents too and then they'd not be in that situation, you think. Instead you throw your old food out and pour bleach on it so no one can have it. Being selfish is awesome. The only problem with this decision is when an article appears on the local newspaper's website showing a picture of you and what you did. It's all very well being secretly selfish - it's quite another to be getting caught being selfish. The volume of customers and amount of cash is halved. [[YOU STILL THINK THAT WAS WORTH IT->day three]]

<<set $cash to $cash -2500>>You pay the fine and purchase a licence. Now you're able to play whatever you want whenever you want. Back to back VENGABOYS it is you decide. Your staff seem less than impressed but you scowl at anyone who complains. The rest of the day sails by. Customers come and go and you're just pleased to see things starting to work out. Even though you are beginning to worry about money... But for today who cares? [[MUSIC IS LIFE!->day four]]

<<set $cash to $cash -2000>><<set $customers /=2>>Weirdly, you decide to pay the fine but not the licence meaning that you can no longer have licenced music on. This brings an eerie calm to your store which you don't feel comfortable with at all. The silence brings more and more of your own thoughts to the forefront of your mind. It's not a comfortable place to be. You can't concentrate unless you have the latest ARIEL PINK album on. You notice that the shop starts to have less customers. Less than half vs yesterday. You point this out to the staff and blame the lack of music; however, <<if $sellcoffee eq true>>your BARISTA says<</if>><<if $sellbread eq true>>your BAKER says<</if>><<if $sellcoffee eq false and $sellbread eq false>>your CUSTOMERS say<</if>> it's actually because you're screaming obscenities at the top of your voice every five minutes. Your staff are very worried about your behaviour but you tell them it's nothing to worry about and start to play the drums on some chopping boards to break the horrendous silence. [[ALL YOUR STAFF HAND IN THEIR NOTICE->day four]]

<<set $cash to 0>><<set $customers to 0>>Somewhat unsurprisingly not paying the fine results in the MUSIC INDUSTRY suing you into oblivion. The costs rack up finally ending up into the millions and you crash out of the BAKERY business and into poverty and dereliction. [[MUSIC IS DEAD->END]]

''DAY FOUR'' <<if $cash lte 0>><<set $cash to 0>>Oh dear. You've run out of money and can no longer continue. So ends the short life of ''$shopname''. You declare BANKRUPTCY by the start of the following [[DAY->END]]<</if>>\ <<if $customers lte 2>><<set $cash to 0>>You sit behind the counter all morning and don't sell a single thing. It's a hard truth to swallow but ''$shopname'' is a failure. No one wants to come anywhere near it. You've tried your hardest but your business has slowed to a stop. You declare BANKRUPTCY by the end of the [[DAY->END]]<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 1 and $cash > 0>>[[YOU READY YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER DAY AT THE BAKERY->day four fixer]]\<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 2 and $cash > 0>>[[YOU READY YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER DAY AT THE BAKERY->day four upcoming]]\<</if>>\ <<if $location eq 3 and $cash > 0>>[[YOU READY YOURSELF FOR ANOTHER DAY AT THE BAKERY->day four city]]\<</if>>\

<<set $customers *= 2>><<set $cash *= 1.5>>Even though you dislike this particular dog you figure you just have to suck it up. The woman is your best customer after all so it would be commercial suicide to upset her. You give the dog a pat on the head and rub behind its ears whereupon it stops barking and seems to warm to you. 'LOLA likes you,' the woman says. 'What a wonderful BAKERY this is. I'll tell more of my friends about it.' [['WOOF'->day four]] says LOLA.

<<set $cash /=1.1>><<set $customers /=1.5>>Even though she is one of your best customers you tell her that her dog is stupid and is not welcome in the shop. Disgusted she leaves and immediately posts all over social media about ''$shopname''. Indignant with rage you reply to everyone telling them what idiots you think they are. Your Trustpilot score plummets within 12 hours and you're left with hardly any customers and a massively reduced cashflow. [[THAT WENT WELL->day four]]

<<set $cash to 0>><<set $customers to 0>>Not wanting to make a fuss by banning the dog from the shop you instead feed it a little treat. A specially baked treat containing enough RAT POISON to wipe out every rodent in the city. Things go well at first, she doesn't notice you slipping it the deadly treat, and you think you've got away with it. That is until one of her friends enter the shop and they begin to have a chat. You can only cover your eyes as the effects of the poison start to make themselves apparent. 'What's wrong, LOLA?' the lady says before LOLA explodes. The canine's intestines shower the BAKERY and everyone in it. The distraught woman screams in horror and within minutes the COPS are at the scene. The officer takes one look at the dead dog before pushing past you into the kitchen where he finds the RAT POISON that you'd not cleaned away. Oops, you think. [[NOW YOU'RE DOG FOOD->caught]]

<<set $cash to $cash -10000>>You go through to the back and empty the safe and withdraw £10,000. You think you're making the right decision. "Knew you'd see sense," the biggest one says as you hand over the cash. "We'll see you next year... If you stay open that long!" It hurts to hear someone say that. It hurts because it's true. When they've gone you busy yourself tidying up the place and preparing for tomorrow. Hopefully it will be an easier [[DAY->day four]].

<<set $customers /= 2>><<set $cash /= 2>> "How about," you begin. "Instead of cash you just get free stuff whenever you want?" The tall goon stares at you then turns to his colleagues. No words are spoken, instead their language is their facial expressions. He turns back to you. "Done." "I knew we could work something out." You smile. "Now what can I get you gentlemen?" "Fifteen of whatever's hot, mate." He says with a sickly grin. You consider challenging him but no, this was your fault for not setting some sort of limit to the deal. You puff air out of your cheeks, completely exasperated at the state of how things have gone. All you wanted was to sell bread now look where you are. "Of course, sir." You just know this deal is going to be very bad for your [[BUSINESS->day four]]

You look these chumps up and down. Pay these losers? "I'm not paying you anything!" You snort. The biggest goon looks taken aback for a moment before snapping back into professional mode. "You and everyone who works at $shopname are making an awfully big mistake..." 'Save it," you bark. 'Get the heck out of my shop and don't come back." As they leave, both your staff and customers cheer and jeer them. You feel like a superhero. Like an actual HERO who has defended a great injustice. That feeling is [[TEMPORARY->nopay2]]

<<set $cash to 0>>Later that day you take a nice little snooze in your office upstairs. You've done enough work for the day you figure. It's 10.30am. You dream of opening up more stores across the country, seeing ''$shopname'' on every street corner and you getting richer and richer. The dream makes you feel all warm inside. Warm and important. Actually the dream starts to get you hot. Like, really, really hot. It's one of the hottest dreams you've ever had! It's starting to get a bit unbearable... You reach out in your dream to cut the ribbon of the 75th shop you're opening and your hand sizzles waking you up immediately. For a second you think you've been buried alive. You're trapped in some sort of metal chamber that's glowing orange. Then you remember the fate of the last tenant. You've been stuffed into the oven. Outside you can hear the laughter of the goons who came by earlier, mocking you. Your eyes begin to turn to goo in the sockets and not long afterwards your heart and lungs give out. As your body crispens up like a roast chicken your final thoughts are "I made some bad decisions." ''THE END'' ''[[SEE HOW YOU DID]]''

''DAY FIVE'' <<if $cash lte 0>><<set $cash to 0>>Oh dear. It's the end of the week and you've ran out of money and can no longer continue. So ends the short little life of ''$shopname''. You declare BANKRUPCY by the end of the [[DAY->END]]<</if>>\ <<if $customers lte 1>><<set $cash to 0>>Your brain pulsates the next morning. Inside your head you can hear the hopes and dreams falling apart. You scream hopelessly into the pillow as your nightmare consumes you. Your partner calls an ambulance as the horror of what you've done to get here overwhelms the rational parts of your mind. Dough begins to drip out of your nose. All you can see is bread and pastries. Your vocabulary begins to fail and every word starts to become BAKERY products. It dough nut make sense. BAguETtE croIsANnt! flAky PAstRy ''[[END]]''<</if>>\ <<if $customers gt 1>><<set $cash to $cash *=5>>Your brain pulsates the next morning. Inside your head you can hear the screams of a thousand failed competitors as you stomp all over their dying businesses. You stand up tall and puff your chest out as the queue starts to grow in size, out of the door and down the street. This is what you've been waiting for. An acknowledgement from the people that YOU are the [[GREATEST->NEARLY WIN]]<</if>>\

<<if $sellcakes eq true>><<if $sellchouxbuns eq true>>You've always enjoyed a bit of innuendo and most of the time it's just cheeky enough to work. However today you make a filthy reference to a young lady buying a choux bun and she slaps you in the face. You can't remember exactly what you said but it was something about creaming her buns. People get offended at anything nowadays. You didn't deserve that. Even when her father shows up and angrily starts accusing you of harassing his fifteen year old daughter you feel it's all been taken out of context. Very quickly words gets out about your faux pas and customer numbers dwindle. When you shut up shop that night you notice your sign has been crossed out and someone has spray painted "NONCE LAND" over the name.<<set $shopname to "NONCE LAND">><<set $customers to 0>> [[CAN'T ANYONE TAKE A JOKE THESE DAYS?->day five]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellchouxbuns eq false>>Everyone enjoys your CAKES today. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->filter]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcakes eq false>>[[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->filter]]\<</if>>

<<if $sellbread eq true and $sellcoffee eq true and $sellpastries eq true and $sellcakes eq true>><<set $smug to true>>''$shopname'' has been open for FOUR days now and while the location has been a bit sketchy it's mostly been okay. However today things start to get a bit tense. You pick up on several customer's comments about how you have "too much to choose from", how you should "do the basics well" and "get rid of the fancy nonsense". It stings to hear that from them. You've just tried to make the best BAKERY ever and they just want simple stuff and never try anything new. You try to convince them to try something different but it goes badly. You come across like a snob and within the hour they are smashing your store up and before you can stop them the whole place is on FIRE! Your dreams go up in FLAMES!<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[BURN BABY BURN BAKERY INFERNO->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $smug eq false>>People seem happy with your BREAD today so that makes you feel better. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->dairyyikes]]\<</if>>\

<<if $sellcakes eq true and $selleclairs eq true and $eliteeclairs eq false>>One of your customer's absolutely explodes when he orders a chocolate eclair and you only charge him £1 for it. "Do I look poor to you?" he shrieks. "I want an eclair that costs £5 and is tiny! Don't give me your good quality and decent value crap!" You try to calm him down but it's no good. He has gone full bourgeois and there is no saving him. His shouting attracts more and more people who agree with him. People who have been toxified by capitalism and who live to waste vast sums of money on things they don't need. Soon the mob are breaking things and chanting "Life's not fair, give us an eclair". You don't notice the fire they've started until it's too late. Soon your shop is ashes and you're left with nothing.<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[THIS FEELS VERY UNFAIR->END]]\ <<elseif $sellcakes eq true>>Everyone enjoys your CAKES today. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->altmilk]]\ <<else>>[[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->altmilk]]\<</if>>

<<if $sellcoffee eq true and $sellaltmilk eq true>>You've been so busy with other stuff that you forget to place an order and run out of regular dairy milk. No problem, you say to yourself. We'll just give soy milk away instead and no one will notice. EVERYBODY NOTICES. This is not the sort of area where people have fancy milks. They want filter coffee and cow milk. Within the hour a crowd has gathered, screaming abuse. Your BARISTA offers to go get regular milk from the local newsagent but you tell them no. These people just need to suck it up - it's not like they can do anything! Oh, no, it turns out they CAN do something about it - they BURN your shop down.<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[THIS IS HOW IT FEELS TO FAIL->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcoffee eq true and $sellaltmilk eq false>><<if $burned eq false>>Everyone enjoys your COFFEE today.<</if>>\ [[EVERYTHING IS STILL OKAY->pastryyikes]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcoffee eq false>>The shop across the road is burned down because they ran out of oat milk. [[YOU ARE REALLY GLAD YOU DON'T SELL COFFEE->pastryyikes]]\<</if>>

<<if $elitedoughnuts eq true>>Today is the day your customers finally snap. And yes, it's about those DOUGHNUTS. £4 each in an area like this is a slap in the face. When word gets out that a doughnut in your shop costs FOUR POUNDS the people riot. Kids climb over the counter and throw all your pastries onto the floor where everyone stamps them flat. Not content with just ruining your products they break every window and set the place on fire.<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[YOU DESERVED THIS->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $elitedoughnuts eq false>>You see an article on the internet about another bakery going out of business because they sell very expensive artisan doughnuts. You are pleased you decided against that. [[EVERYTHING IS INCREDIBLY STILL TOTALLY OKAY->cakeyikes]]\<</if>>\

<<if $sellcakes eq true and $eliteeclairs eq true>>Today is the day your customer's finally snap. And yes, it's about those LUDICROUSLY EXPENSIVE ECLAIRS you sell. £5 each during a cost of living crisis in an area is a slap in the face. When word gets out that your eclairs cost as much as they do the people riot. Little old ladies climb over the counter and throw all your cakes onto the floor where everyone stamps them flat. Not content with just ruining your products they break every window and set the place on fire.<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[YOU DESERVED THIS->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcakes eq true and $eliteeclairs eq false>>Everyone enjoys your CAKES today. [[WOW! WHAT A NON-EVENTFUL DAY IT'S BEEN->day five]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcakes eq false>>[[WOW! WHAT A NON-EVENTFUL DAY IT HAS BEEN->day five]]\<</if>>

And these ECLAIRS you want to sell... Are these the type you'd seen in TESCO? You know four for pound? Or are they ludicrously fancy ones that cost a fortune? TESCO TYPE ONES at a cost of FOUR for £1 COST A FORTUNE ONES! at a cost of ONE for £4 <<link "TESCO-TYPE ONES" "cakes2">><</link>> <<link "COST-A-FORTUNE ONES!" "cakes2">><<set $eliteeclairs to true>><</link>>

<<if $sellcoffee eq true>><<if $sellaltmilk eq false>>It was a bold decision to open a BAKERY that does not sell alternative milks in a heavily gentrified area. Unsurprisingly every coffee order you get demands OAT or SOY or ALMOND milk that you chose not to stock. By the fourth day you're tired of hearing them whine so you just start nodding and using regular cow milk. No one will be able to tell the difference, you tell yourself. EVERYBODY CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE. Young mothers and their children start gushing white vomit as the lactose upsets their stomachs. Those that don't turn into milk cannons promptly poop themselves and before lunchtime your store is ruined. The floor and walls are a cocktail of disgusting bodily fluids. No one wants to come into your shop. Those who survive sue you for what you've done. <<set $cash to 0>><<set $milked to true>> [[GOOD BYE CASH->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $burned eq false>>Everyone enjoys your COFFEE today. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->buns]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcoffee eq false>>[[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->buns]]\<</if>>

<<if $sellpastries eq true>><<if $sellbuns eq true>><<set $customers to 0>>Midway through the morning you realise your BAKER has not made enough CINNAMON BUNS to meet demand. The colour drains from your face as a queue starts forming. Weirdly shaped humans with ironic 70s moustaches or wearing hideous dungarees clog up your store. All ordering oat Frappuccino double shot buzzword buzzword nonsense and requesting CINNAMON BUNS. You have to tell them. "We've run out!" You cry to the affluent and privileged crowd. It takes them mere seconds to turn into a baying mob. Demanding your immediate cancellation they storm from the shop vowing to never enter your store again. In many ways it feels like a relief but as you go to sleep that night you realise you will no longer have any customers. [[WHAT A TERRIBLE DAY->day five]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellbuns eq false>>Everyone enjoys your PASTRIES today. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->nodough]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellpastries eq false>>[[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->nodough]]\<</if>>

v 2.31

<<if $sellbread eq true>><<if $sellsourdough eq true>>Today is the day your customer's finally snap. And yes, it's about those LUDICROUSLY EXPENSIVE ECLAIRS you sell. £5 each during a cost of living crisis in an area is a slap in the face. When word gets out that your eclairs cost as much as they do the people riot. Little old ladies climb over the counter and throw all your cakes onto the floor where everyone stamps them flat. Not content with just ruining your products they break every window and set the place on fire.<<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>> [[YOU DESERVED THIS->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellsourdough eq false>>Everyone enjoys your BREAD today. [[WHAT A NON-EVENTFUL DAY IT'S BEEN->day five]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellbread eq false>>[[WHAT A NON-EVENTFUL DAY IT HAS BEEN->day five]]\<</if>>

<<if $sellcoffee eq true>><<if $filter eq false>>It was a pretty ballsy move to not bother offering regular FILTER coffee in the CITY CENTRE. A lot of the trade people just want to grab a basic coffee with milk and be on their way. Instead you only offer the more elaborate and time consuming coffees. You've noticed it since opening day but by DAY FOUR customers are really starting to tail off. They just don't have time to queue for ages when they can go to one of your competitors. You notice a rapid decline of people coming into the store. <<set $customers to 1>>[[WHY DIDN'T YOU OFFER CHEAP COFFEE?->day five]]\<</if>>\ <<if $filter eq true>>Everyone enjoys your COFFEE today. [[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->bags]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellcoffee eq false>>[[EVERYTHING IS OKAY->bags]]\<</if>>

<<if $sellbread eq true>><<if $sellbaguette eq true>>One of the most surprising things you notice is how popular your BAGUETTES are. People love them! You're so thrilled you are constantly boasting about them to the BAKER who makes them. You think you deserve credit for hiring her in the first place. As popular as they are you do think they'd be better if you added a bit of cayenne pepper to them for a spicy twist so while the BAKER is not looking you add what you feel is missing. Unsurprisingly to everyone except you, they are a disaster. They taste foul and after selling out after the first few hours all of your customers barge their way back into the shop in the afternoon. All demanding a refund and complaining about them. One even complains it was so spicy his mother had an asthma attack and died. You offer him a 50p discount which causes things to boil over. Within seconds everything is on fire and the whole place burns down. <<set $cash to 0>><<set $burned to true>>\ [[YOU STILL THINK THIS IS THE BAKER'S FAULT->END]]\<</if>>\ <<if $sellbaguette eq false>>Everyone enjoys your BREAD today. [[TURNED OUT NICE AGAIN->day five]]\<</if>>\<</if>>\ <<if $sellbread eq false>>[[WHAT A NON-EVENTFUL DAY IT HAS BEEN->day five]]\<</if>>

<<set $cash to 9999999>><<set $customers to 100>>\ <center><img src="https://donotopenanartisanalbakery.co.uk/images/goods.jpg" alt="goods"></center>\ You have done it! Against all the odds - including your complete lack of commercial acumen or business sense - you have launched a moderately successful BAKERY. You pat yourself on the back and fail to acknowledge the hard work of your employees who helped make this the success it is. You realise that the only way to KEEP a successful BAKERY was to sell it to some chump or one of your competitors. You do this and swim in all the money they give you for ''$shopname''. Thank you for playing ''DO NOT OPEN AN ARTISANAL BAKERY''. We hope it dissuaded you from even thinking about opening one. If it didn't our only request is: please don't charge £4 for a single doughnut or eclair. ''THE END'' ''[[SEE HOW YOU DID]]''

<div id="resultCard" class="share-card"><div style="border: 2px solid #333; padding: 1em; font-family: monospace; background: #f8f8f8; color: black; max-width: 500px;"> <h3 style="margin-top: 0;">Business Card</h3> Business Name: $shopname Owner: You, obviously Cash Left In Bank Account: <<if typeof $cash === "number">>£<<= $cash.toFixed(2)>><<else>><<=$cash>><</if>> Total Annual Costs: £<<= $overhead.toFixed(0)>> Potential Customers: <<= Math.round($customers)>>% TripAdvisor Rating: <<if !$bakery>>☆☆☆☆☆ Not listed (never opened) <<elseif $jail>>★☆☆☆☆ "Bread was too brown and therefore illegal." - Local Warden <<elseif $burned>>☆☆☆☆☆ Closed due to mysterious oven incident <<elseif $milked>>☆☆☆☆☆ Closed after floor collapsed following weird milk flooding <<elseif $cash eq 9999999>>★★★★★ Sold out to a chain like a baller <<elseif $cash lte 0>>☆☆☆☆☆ Went bust before the first week was out <<elseif hasVisited("buns") and $customers lte 0>>★☆☆☆☆ Riots after you ran out of cinnamon buns <<elseif hasVisited("selfish")>>★☆☆☆☆ Poured bleach on leftovers; customers lost all sense of taste <<elseif hasVisited("charity")>>★★★☆☆ Won hearts by feeding the homeless <<else>> <<= (Math.max(0, Math.round($customers)) >= 80) ? "★★★★☆ Busy, buzzy, a bit smug—people love it" : (Math.max(0, Math.round($customers)) >= 60) ? "★★★☆☆ Decent bakes; room to improve" : (Math.max(0, Math.round($customers)) >= 30) ? "★★☆☆☆ Patchy quality and vibes" : "★☆☆☆☆ Empty tables, full ego" >> <</if>> Status: <<if !$bakery>> Never opened. Folded at the paperwork stage. <<elseif $jail>> Incarcerated for a very entrepreneurial crime spree. <<elseif $burned>> Deceased (industrial-oven related). Ashes claimed by competitors and sprinkled onto fairy cakes <<elseif $cash eq 9999999>> Sold the place for £1,000,000 and retired as a bourgeois glutton. <<elseif $cash lte 0>> Bankrupt. Folded faster than a gluten-free croissant. <<elseif hasVisited("buns") and $customers lte 0>> Canceled by the Bun Mob. Customers: 0. <<elseif hasVisited("selfish")>> Pariah owner. Staff whisper “the Bleach Baron.” <<elseif hasVisited("charity")>> Local hero. Newspapers loved you (briefly). <<else>> Survived the week with <<= Math.max(0, Math.round($customers))>>% potential customers and <<if typeof $cash === "number">> £<<= $cash.toFixed(2)>><<else>><<=$cash>><</if>> in the bank. “Could go either way.” <</if>> </div></div> <<button "Share / Save Card">><<run shareResultCard()>><</button>> ''<<button "START AGAIN">><<run UI.restart()>><</button>>''

Thanks for playing ''**DO NOT OPEN AN ARTISANAL BAKERY**''. This pile of junk was written and created by ''Andrew Donaldson'' in August 2025. The wonderful mobile menu UI was created by his brother ''Graeme Donaldson'' because Andrew got stuck and gave up. If you have enjoyed this game it would be lovely to hear that from you! Why not <a href="mailto:andrew.gordon.donaldson@gmail.com">PING ME AN EMAIL</a> Music by ''Neon Rainbow'' (''Andrew Donaldson'', ''Aythan Lewes'' and ''Callum Arnott'') Say thank you the only way capitalists know how: by giving me money! I promise I won't use it to open a bakery.<form action="https://www.paypal.com/donate" method="post" target="_blank"><input type="hidden" name="hosted_button_id" value="YKZTKA7M4V2NA" /> <input type="image" src="https://www.paypalobjects.com/en_GB/i/btn/btn_donate_LG.gif" border="0" name="submit" title="PayPal - The safer, easier way to pay online!" alt="Donate with PayPal button" /> </form> Photos and images by: <a href="https://unsplash.com/@mhassouna931?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Mohamed Hassouna</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/brown-bread-on-brown-wicker-basket-N4gtuEZ5gWc?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Unsplash</a> <a href="https://unsplash.com/@hulkiokantabak?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Hulki Okan Tabak</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/people-walking-on-sidewalk-near-blue-and-green-concrete-building-during-daytime-jIWX-w9nt58?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Unsplash</a> <a href="https://unsplash.com/@jankolar?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Jan Antonin Kolar</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/closed-store-mR_IZ_Bknmo?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Unsplash</a> <a href="https://unsplash.com/@hassananayi?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Hassan Anayi</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/a-group-of-people-walking-through-a-shopping-mall-sZOFa0FZs6Y?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Unsplash</a> <<button "Back">> <<run Engine.backward()>> <</button>>

Okay. What will you bribe them with? [[BRIBE WITH CASH->paid]] [[BRIBE WITH PASTRIES->bribe]]

In the hysteria brought about from your own success you nearly miss the smart dressed man who is patiently waiting for you to climb down from the counter and put your genitals away. "How do you do?" he says, with a slick smile. "I AM THE GREATEST!" you shriek in his face. "Clearly you are. You shop is a big success and we'd really love for it to join our family of artisan chain bakeries." "Hmm." You say, pondering the conflict you feel inside. Do you really want to sell out and give up your dream? "We'll give you £1,00,000 for ''$shopname''." "Bloody hell!" you shriek. Before following it up with ONE of the following: [[LET'S DO IT!!->WON]] [[GO FUCK YOURSELF!!!->WHOOPS]]

The man shrugs his shoulders as you begin swinging your genitals around again and turns to leave the business. Even in your bold celebrations you think you may have made a mistake but it doesn't sink in until the following day. The first thought that goes through your head is "Did I just say 'No' to a million pounds?" Unfortunately you say it out loud and your partner hears you. "What did you say?" they ask incrediulously. Well, no point trying to hide it now. You explain to them the offer and laugh it off. Even though their face is almost purple and they are not laughing you're pretty sure they understood the ''[[JOKE]]''.

<<set $cash to 10>>It's only when you're in the shower later that morning you learn of their unhappiness. As you wash your hair and your eyes are full of shampoo you hear the click clack of the toaster having its lever pushed down. What a weird sound to hear in the bathroom you think and cautiously open your eyes. Through the stinging suds you see your partner staring at you furiously and in their arms the lovely eggshell blue SMEG toaster that you bought them for their birthday so they could make you toast. "Time for you to be baked!" they shriek. launching the appliance into the shower where you immediately start doing an electric blue jiggle. You legs give out from underneath as your tendons cook like calimari. The bathroom light explodes above you, showering your prone naked body with glass, but that's the least of your worries as you're fried alive. Later your ghost tries to haunt ''$shopname'' but your partner has sold it to that man and you spend the rest of eternity listening to Ed Sheeran as it's taken over by populist wankers. ''THE END'' ''[[SEE HOW YOU DID]]''